Fitovers, entry I

So I fly out to California for some visiting, and my friend and I are strolling in the California sun. My friend points to her face and tells me she loves her fitovers and wants to buy a backup pair. Fitovers?

Turns out they are these sunglasses that fit over your eyeglasses. (Duh.) When I drive, I’m always grabbing my husband’s larger sunglasses from overhead and putting them over my own glasses. This looks really strange, but they filter the bright rays better than my clip-ons. So I think fitovers is a good idea and I must try them.

I know fitovers have been around forever. My mom used to own a pair that covered half her face. At that time my younger self thought, I will never own a pair of those. But now since I’m turning into my mother anyway, I think, why not?

So I return to Colorado and walk into a sunglasses store at the outlet mall. I ask the clerk for fitovers, and you can see the disappointment wash over his face. He turns from the high fashion glasses and waves me over to the low fashion no fashion zone.

I see they still have my mom’s humongous fitovers there. I try them on and decide that I would not be caught dead in them. I suddenly am lifted from no-fashion status to low-fashion status because there are items that even I would not buy.

I locate the smallest fitovers that the store carries, and they’re still big. I am suddenly feeling like a fitover connoisseur. I look them over critically and say, “Do you have a different color than leopard skin?”

“That’s tortoise shell,” the clerk sniffs.

Now that I know they’re “tortoise shell,” they look a lot better to me. I am in sync with fashion and with the universe. So I buy them. Even though the earpieces are a little too tight for my rather wide head.

As I drive home from the outlet mall with the sunglasses on my face, I realize why people don’t get glasses that are too narrow for them. The glasses want to return to their original shape, so the earpieces squeeze forward, causing the glasses to work their way down your nose.

Alas, what to do?

When I get home, I open the glasses wider than they should go and force the glasses case between the earpieces, being careful not to break the earpieces off. I leave them in the hot car on the black dashboard on a sunny day with the windows rolled up, hoping to reshape the plastic earpieces to open up wider.

Warning: Only try this at your own risk. Your glasses could break at any time, leaving your eyes defenseless against the ravaging sun.

It works. The plastic has reshaped so much that the earpieces now open wider than my head. In fact, they have no use for my ears at all. I put the glasses on, and once again they slide down my nose. But this time it’s because the earpieces don’t want to hold onto anything at all.

When I look downward, the glasses fall right off. Is it time to scrap them and shell out another $50 for a pair that fit better?

Of course not. Next, more fitover drama and some creativity . . . .