Midnight musings

It’s almost midnight. Tomorrow morning I am going to the hospital to have a port inserted into my upper chest. Chemo will be dispensed into my body through the port rather than through veins in my arms.

I can’t sleep. I’m a little concerned about the procedure, of course, but it’s pretty routine. It’s one more step toward chemo, which will begin one week after the port is inserted.

But it’s still sobering to have this done. It’s to save my life. Everything is to save my life now.

I imagine the cancer cells within me that have been cut off at their source (the colon) and cut off at their chosen metastatic site (the lower right lobe of my lung). I picture them roaming around, confused, an illness without a home.

I am depending on chemo to blast them out of the water, to obliterate them to smithereens, to destroy every last vestige of them, and to clear them from my body . . . cleanly and thoroughly, never to return.

And in all of this drama, I will be working and praying for my survival and finding peace in that work and in that prayer. I am working to transform my thoughts from sadness to trust and faith.

But we women are strong. I will find my way with God, family, and friends.

I actually began knitting again yesterday. I am making a slouchy chemo cap out of Crystal Palace cotton chenille, and I’m quite sure it will be too small. So I will have to begin again, and I will use finer yarn this time so the stitches are smaller and less perceptible to sensitive skin. And I’ll use a different pattern.

I have a goal this week, the week before chemo.  I have been walking farther and farther lately, and this week I’d like to get on my bicycle and take a ride. There’s nothing like feeling the air on your face and the wheels rolling beneath you. I want to do that before chemo begins.

The weather has been hot, but late in the day the wind has been picking up and rustling all the leaves and playing with the brim of my hat, trying to blow it away. It is the best weather for being outside and playing and breathing and enjoying every moment.